Theatrical Etiquette (Or "Shut up and sit down!")

As a musical theatre lover and amateur drama enthusiast, I am extremely privileged to have seen dozens of West End shows over the last 15 years. I also love spending my money on watching concerts at amazing venues like the O2 and Wembley. My list includes Take That, Stevie Wonder, Spandau Ballet, Lionel Richie (believe me, these are the least embarrassing ones) and many more. My catalogue of concert tickets is, admittedly, more Smash Hits than NME, but hey, I like what I like!

Now these tickets aren't cheap. It normally costs upwards of 50 quid to see a concert, maybe a bit less for a show, and then you've got to factor in travel costs, eating out, plus merchandise if you want it. It's an investment. A proper night out, with money well spent on great entertainment rather than booze (and the subsequent hangover). Bearing this in mind, there are things that my fellow theatre goers do which I just can't fathom. They fall into the following categories:

The Talkers
Now. We have ALL encountered these people, even if it's only in the cinema. The rude, won't shut up for the ENTIRE show, annoying people. Why are they there!! I mean really... if you want to pay £50 to NOT watch the show... go and stand outside!

My friends and I encountered one such couple at Les Miserables in London this weekend. The speccy girl in front of us (I'm allowed to say that, I wear glasses) would NOT stop talking. Every other minute she leaned across to her boyfriend and made a comment, which kept resulting in what seemed like a full blown conversation. The worst thing was, my poor friend couldn't see a thing every time Little Miss Chatterbox moved her head. The icing on the cake was that, when she didn't have anything to say, they'd have a kiss or a snuggle instead. My blood boils!! In the end, I calmly asked them to stop. "You were much more polite than I would have been," came the comment from next to me. Well, one doesn't like to create a scene...

The Constant Drinkers
This applies more to concerts than theatre, but I always seem to get stuck next to the bloke who will get up and down at LEAST six times during the show to get more beer. Or the woman nominated by her crew to do the Smirnoff Ice run every 20 minutes. Not only is this going to cost these people an arm and a leg, but it means I have to keep getting up (or doing the theatre chair "swivel". Either way, I want to punch them). I feel I should grab them by the arms and try to reason with them: "But you've paid 60 pounds to see this band! Sixty!! And you've just missed three songs!! Why would you do this to yourself! Just WHY?!" Apparently their need to get sozzled out ways any love for the music.

But it also means that most of them won't even remember the concert the next day! When I saw Take That's comeback tour in 2006 (you can't even imagine how excited I was), my ticket was for the standing section. I was stood behind a girl who got SO drunk that, by the end, she couldn't even stand up. She kept falling backwards into me babbling incoherently. Every time, I pushed her forward again and told her friend to hold her up or get her out! It created a massive black mark all over a day that should have been amazing for me. I can only hope that she was sick on the way home and lost her shoes.

The Early Leavers
These are the people that baffle me the most. I gawp in amazement when it happens at EVERY concert I go to. It's like a mystery I will seemingly never solve.

Every band or singer will pretend to finish their show, wait for the massive applause to build to a crescendo, then come back on again for an encore. This usually comprises two or three of their absolute best and most spectacular songs, a shiny new costume and a big explosion of glitter. In a nutshell, you'd be mad to miss it. But there are a strange breed of creature whose little legs can't carry them out of that venue fast enough just as soon as the last note has finished on the pre-encore song. They jump up and leg it out of there like their life depends on it.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't enjoy the slow shuffle you have to suffer to get out of the arena. The queue to get into the tube station, the crush to get on a train and the long journey home. Or perhaps having to sit in the car park for 20 minutes waiting to get out. But. It is ONE NIGHT of your life. That's it. One little night when you might be that extra bit tired because you got home extra late. Who cares!! (I'll say it again) You just paid loads of money to come here!! Is it really worth trying to get out before "the rush"?? Why don't you just chill the heck out, throw your hands in the air and shout proudly "I travelled quite far to come here, and it cost me loads, plus I love this band, otherwise I wouldn't have come! SO I'M GOING TO STAY TIL THE END!! Yeah!" Just a suggestion.

And there you have it. My theatre-related gripes. I'm off to see Take That again this summer. I'll update you afterwards!