As you may have discovered from previous blogs, lots of things bug me about people. People in general are very annoying creatures. Put them behind the wheel of a car, serving at a supermarket checkout, or sit them next to me in a cinema and I can't stand them. In fact, unless people are sitting still and quiet, they will probably do something to rub me up the wrong way.
But lately, there is something that's been annoying me even more than general people. That thing is the species we call children. Or more precisely, "other people's children". (Not that I have any of my own yet, don't panic mum). OPCs are, quite frankly, WELL annoying. And usually, so are their mothers.
I've been wanting to write this blog for a while but didn't feel I had quite enough ammunition. I wouldn't want to disappoint people by only writing a paragraph or two; I know how much you all love my rants. However, today I found the silver bullet.
At around lunchtime, I unfortunately found myself in Primark in the "historic market town" of Romford. (Yes, this is what is says on the sign as you enter the town. I only noticed today. There are lots of things I'd call Romford in Essex but that's not one of them. However, that's a whole other blog...)
I say that I "unfortunately" found myself in Primark because of several reasons. Firstly, Primark is not the most fun place to be at the best of times. It's just about bearable at 9am on a Monday morning when most people are at work and the shop looks relatively normal. By about ten past nine, it looks like a Girl Guide jumble sale after a coach load of OAPs have been let in through the side door. Try shopping properly in THAT mess.
Secondly, Primark in Romford is probably worse than most. Today I heard two mothers calling out for their children. (Imagine a very strong Essex accent, too much fake tan and some stomach rolls.) "Eden! Eden, get here now!!": Mother number one. "Cherish! Cherish, I told you not to run off!": Mother number two. The Beckhams have nothing on these people.
But today, there was an added extra sprinkle of class in Primarni. As I queued up to buy the cheap dress for my next show (for this is the only reason I was there), the mother in front of me noticed that her ginger baby (poor thing) was dribbling over her arm. "How cute", I thought. "As long as that's the only place it dribbles." Essex Mother paid the cashier and was about to walk off when Little Ginge smiled, gurgled and promptly puked all over the floor. She'd probably had enough of all the flammable materials and £1 thongs.
"Oh dear," I thought. "I wonder which assistant that woman is going to tell or how many baby wipes she might need to clean it up! Before someone steps in it! Right by the checkout and everything!" Oh how naive of me.
Of COURSE she didn't do either of those things. Glancing back at the floor just to double check that there definitely WAS vomit there, Irresponsible Mother walked off, cleaned herself up at the end of the aisle (I personally thought her dress looked better covered in vom) and left. Just like that. I told the stunned cashier what had happened as I stepped over the puddle and tried to keep my flip-flopped feet as far away from it as possible. I couldn't quite believe it. Is this what people DO?
Over the past few weeks I have had various other encounters with small children that have left me gritting my teeth and thinking bad thoughts. Whilst trying to enjoy a coffee and a catch up with a friend in Starbucks last month, a young girl of about four years old decided to stand in the corner and scream. Not because anything was wrong or because she was in danger, but just because she could. And it went on, and on, and on. Her mum, who was sitting with friends, tried half heartedly to make her stop a few times before seeming to give up and think better of it. You could see people glancing up and wondering WHY there was a screaming child in a fairly adult establishment, but the mum didn't seem to care. I actually had to shout to be heard over the racket!
A few weeks later on a London tube, I was happily sitting reading my magazine when something small, annoying and probably sticky bumped right into me nearly ending up in my lap. This child was playing human pin ball. She thought it was delightful to run up and down the carriage, barging into everyone on the way. Looking up I noticed that mum was standing there watching the little tyke as if she were a proud parent at a sports day! No "Oh, I'm really sorry! Chardonnay, come here!" or restraining said child. Just a dazed smile and a glazed look in her eye. Is this what motherhood does to you?
Apart from these instances, I often get confronted with the other usual things; children sneezing or coughing right next to me without covering their mouths (Do parents not know this rule anymore?!), kids kicking the back of my chair or talking through an entire film, or school children thinking it's a great idea to run across the road in front of my car.
Perhaps I should be the next Super Nanny. My advice? Don't go out in public with your kids. It's for the best.
No comments:
Post a Comment